Pointless Ramblings
Fast Food Frustrations
Ever notice that fast food is almost always unhealthy? There are exceptions, but on average, if you want a quick cheap meal, it will be a feast of doom. Is it a conspiracy by the big fast food franchises? Not really. They're just doing what their shareholders want them to do . . . make more money.
The real reason that cheap fast food is unhealthy is that frying food is the most cost-effective way to cook. Boiling oil imparts heat to raw food in the most efficient and consistent manner possible, since the entire surface area of the food is in direct contact with the heat. Ovens have to rely on heated air or radiated heat, which doesn't transfer heat as quickly, and most grills only apply heat to one side at a time. Unfortunately, frying meat uncoated would leave the outside like leather, so you usually have to batter the meat first. That's yummier, too, because it traps some of the oil in the coating, and that oil stays on your tongue while you eat, keeping the flavor on your tongue longer. That's why fried stuff seems tastier. But that oil is essentially fat, and we all know fat isn't good for us.
Time is money, so frying a chicken patty in two minutes instead of baking it for 15 minutes translates directly into dollars for fast food restaurants that need to sell the things by the hundreds. This is also why you'll notice that appetizers on dinner menus are almost always fried. They have to be prepared and delivered to your table well before the entrees, which typically take longer to cook.
Bump Ahead
Ever been driving down the freeway and see a dark patch on the road ahead? Well, that would be a bad time to take a big swig of your beer, cause there's a bump (or a dip) ahead. This isn't because the Department of Transportation has thoughtfully spray-painted the bumps dark gray for your convenience . . . in fact, YOU may be partially responsible for the color-coding.
You see, the bumps were there first; whether it's just bad road construction or buckling due to heat or water. The dark coloration comes from that drop of oil or other fluid dangling from the bottom of your car . . . and millions of other cars. All cars leak something eventually. But those drops are much more likely to be jostled free just as you bounce over a bump or dip. Over time, and as millions of cars pass over than same rough spot, it gets splattered with more gunk than the smooth parts of the road.
So next time you're tooling down the highway, scan the road ahead for dark spots. And when your car bounces as you pass over it, be thankful that you have a life so interesting that you've never wasted time figuring out why dark spots in the road always have bumps, like that loser Karl.
Got Spyware?
If your computer starts acting weird or your browser has become hijacked and diverted to sites trying to sell you stuff to get rid of viruses and spyware, you've just fallen victim to one of the most despicable scams since pop-up ads. These companies essentially install spyware (essentially viruses) on your machine, then try to sell you software to remove them! It's an old Gary Larsen cartoon in real life (Picture of a person in his living room reading a note that was tied to a rock that has just crashed through the window: "Rocks through your window? Call Al's Glass!").
There's a great program out there called Ad-Aware that is FREE and will remove these spyware viruses . . . much like Norton or McAfee. Beware though: there is a website out there called Ada-Ware that is masquerading as Ad-Aware for sloppy spellers, and it has a program you can download supposedly to remove spyware, which actually installs more. It's a good thing I'll never meet the slimeballs that do that stuff, cause I'd end in jail for murder.
Panoramas
If you've got broadband, or are just the patient type, check out panoramas.dk. 360° photos of beautiful places around the world. For example, there's a view of the Yulong River in China, and Sacré Coeur in Paris.
Subservient Chicken
This is weird, wacky, and a little bit sad. But I wish I had done it first. Click here and tell the chicken to do something . . . anything.
Digital Image Editing Gallery
There are a lot of people out there proving that photos can no longer be trusted.
Aerial Images of the Dallas Area
If you're looking for aerial views of the Dallas area, the city provides much more detailed aerial views than Google.
Free Paper Models!
I supposed this would only appeal to a limited audience, but it's pretty darn cool anyway. Download, print, and assemble paper models of animals and motorcycles (not sure if any of the animals can "ride" the motorcycles).
http://www.yamaha-motor.co.jp/eng/papercraft/Slammed By Sprint!
(UPDATE: Sprint never did make things right . . . bastards. Verizon reluctantly took the charges off my bill, even though the real fault was Sprint's.) Just a short rant . . . a few weeks ago our phone bill showed that our long distance service was being switched from MCI to Sprint. Since this was news to us, I called Sprint to complain. Turns out they transposed two digits somewhere and accidentally switched me to Sprint. You'd think that I would have to be involved in that process somehow, just as a courtesy, but apparently anybody in the world can call up Sprint and have anybody else in the world switched over to Sprint. How comforting. The worst part is that Sprint takes absolutely no responsibility for resolving the problems this causes. I had to call MCI and get my account set back up, which was not trivial. Once everything was fixed . . . which, by the way, was all done by me and MCI, since Sprint believes it's up to others to clean up their mistakes . . . there was still $18 worth of "switching fees" on my local phone bill for the switch to Sprint and then back to MCI. I call Sprint, and they tell me (I'm not kidding) that because I am not a Sprint customer, they can't do anything about it. They'd be glad to credit me the $18 if I were one of their customers, but since I wasn't, they couldn't. They (in particular, a rude rep named John Nemus that apparently has no conscience whatsoever) were completely unconcerned that I was stuck with an $18 charge for a mistake made by Sprint. Mr. Nemus didn't even suggest that I talk to someone else at Sprint, he truly believed that I would just go "OK, I guess I'll just pay the $18," and hang up the phone. When I asked to talk to someone who might know how to resolve this, he put me on hold for 20 minutes, then gave me a number that nobody answers except a machine that takes your number, promises to return your call, and then doesn't. I'll call a few more times and see if there is any human being at Sprint with a shred of decency, and will update this page if they ever resolve this. If not, I'll just boycott Sprint for the rest of my life and encourage anyone who will listen to do the same. I am not optimistic. Of course, there is no way to contact them via email on their website, and the phone numbers they list dead-end if you aren't a Sprint customer at people like John Nemus, who really don't care. They make it really hard to contact them, because they know that if they can get you to give up, they don't have to take responsibility for the grief they cause. Sigh. It's a good thing there are plenty of other long-distance and wireless providers.
Magic TV!
| We recently
upgraded our TV to one that weighs so much that it required the
engineering secrets of the pyramid builders just to lift it 9 inches
and slide it into the entertainment center. But the weight
of the TV is not what this pointless ramble is about.
The remarkable thing about this TV is that the screen CHANGES SIZE
DEPENDING ON WHAT COUNTRY IT IS IN! At least, that's what the box says (see photo at right). It's 36" diagonal in the US and Canada, but 37" anywhere else in the world. If the damn thing didn't weigh as much as Anna Nichole, I'd be tempted to drive it down to the Mexican border just to witness the magical transformation as I drive through customs. How it knows what country it is in is a technological marvel in and of itself. I'm assuming it has GPS locational electronics coupled with an internal database of geopolitical boundaries. Regardless of the coolness factor of a TV that expands and contracts to suit the country it's in (you'd think that it would be BIGGER in the U.S. and Canada, not smaller), I'm a bit peeved that I'm being shortchanged an inch just because I live in the U.S. of A. Maybe I can fool it by watching nothing but the Spanish channels for a few days . . . I guess that will be next weekend's project. |
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R2D2 Cleans My House!
OK. Not quite. But we are on the cusp of the robotic future, now that we have foolishly and impulsively parted with $200 (that could otherwise have fed a family of twelve in Afghanistan for a year) in yet another attempt to avoid incidental exercise while cleaning the house. I am speaking about our our new Roomba, which according to the website, "uses intelligent navigation technology to automatically clean nearly all household floor surfaces without human direction."
This is, of course, a slight overstatement. The "intelligent navigation" is apparently modeled after that of a pond-scum amoeba, since all it really does is whirl around a bit, then toodle off in a straight line until it careens off a wall. It will occasionally follow a wall or, when it finds itself out in an open area again, begin to spin around like Julie Andrews in an alpine glade, after which it gets dizzy and looks for another wall to run into.
The "nearly all household floor surfaces" excludes the grout lines between tiles, because when "cleaning" our foyer it really just moved all the dirt into those grooves between the tiles. It works OK on new carpet that is still all standy-uppy like the carpet samples at Home Depot. On our carpet, parts of which are worn to the point that they look like crop circles made by sloppy aliens, the Roomba gets confused and keeps trying to adjust to different carpet heights every few inches.
If I sound a bit harsh, it's only because I'm defensive about liking this pointless little gizmo as much as I do. It does a great job on linoleum, and in carpeted rooms without many throw rugs or worn traffic areas. But it's no substitute for a vacuum cleaner and broom. I have to spend 5 minutes cleaning dog hair off the rollers and vacuuming the dust filter after each use (I've always thought it odd that I use vacuum cleaners to clean my vacuum cleaners), so it isn't really saving me any time. I could have done more with the real vac in those 5 minutes. As long as I don't try to convince myself or others that this is a cost effective way to clean floors, then I can live with the fact that I just spent $180 too much on a carpet sweeper.
How well does it actually work? Imagine giving a two-year-old child one of those $20 carpet sweepers, and imagine getting that two-year old to randomly push the thing around in a room for an hour. The end result would approximate that of the Roomba. The carpet looks cleaner, although there are more efficient ways to have gotten the job done.
Like a two-year old, the Roomba will occasionally get stuck or confused. It will stop and cry until you come rescue it from whatever chair or throw rug it has gotten caught on. And you have to be very clear about which room you want cleaned, because both the Roomba and the two-year-old will happily wander out into hallway or into the next room if there isn't a door to stop them. The Roomba comes with a "virtual wall" gizmo that you can position to keep it from wandering across an invisible line.
Again like a two-year-old, the Roomba will only put up with this nonsense once a day. It takes 12 hours to recharge after spending an hour cleaning a large room.
We were actually hoping that the dog would enjoy the Roomba. She spends a half hour every day chasing a remote-control truck around the house (border collie herding instincts) so we thought maybe she would chase the Roomba around as well. Nope. Not interested. She immediately sensed that it was not moving intelligently, and required us to continue driving the RC truck around for her entertainment.
Cynicism and sarcasm aside, this is all very cool stuff for a geek like me. The engineering that has been put into this thing is impressive for the price, and once the lawyers let them make one with twice the power and technology lets them halve the price, it might even be practical. But I won't pretend that it is anything more than a toy and I won't suggest that you run out and get one. If you were the type that would enjoy a Roomba, you'd probably already have one.
Our Scottish Vacation
Click here for Carla's narrative of our latest vacation. Go here to see the photos.
Cool Web Tricks
I knew there was a reason I've spent thousands of dollars on computers and internet access for the past 20 years. These are the internet equivalent of street performances. Check 'em out.
(the following ones might not work if you have javascript disabled or have pop-up blocking software)
Playing With Web Animation
My mom is such a good sport. It was very brave of her to let me take this picture, knowing that I would inevitably do something disrespectful with it.
Spin a Ship!
Millions of trees are turned into Bounty paper towels every year. Very few are turned into models of the HMS Bounty. Probably because it is mind-numbingly tedious and then you wonder why you felt the need to do it. So you justify the effort by using a cool JavaScript program to put an interactive rotatable image of the model on your website. Then you sit back and let people shake their heads and laugh at you.
This page might take a couple minutes to load if you're on a phone modem. I can't honestly say it would be worth your time. But if you've read this far, you apparently have nothing better to do, so click away!
Spend Even More of Your Life in Front of Your Computer!
Who says the information superhighway has to have any redeeming social, commercial, or educational value. These links are just what you need if you're sitting in front of your PC thinking, "What can I browse for next?"
How to Make Yourself Really Ugly (so others might not notice that you weren't exactly pretty to begin with)
This is mostly to embarrass my Mom, who is one of the few people who actually read anything on this site.
All you need for this is two paper clips, some large rubber bands, some needlenose pliers, and some adhesive surgical tape, which you can get from a pharmacy (or a chemist if you're in the UK, or an apothecary if you are in Europe or have travelled back in time). You can use regular scotch tape, but it won't stay on for very long . . . at least not long enough to stroll around your neighborhood grocery store making snorting and grunting noises.
Tape your nose up with one long narrow strip of tape. Split the tape down the middle if it is too wide. Frown while applying the tape to make sure it will pull your nose up sufficiently, then use a shorter piece of tape to hold down the long strip against the bridge of your nose. I suggest blowing your nose before doing this, because people will be able to see right up your nostrils into your sinuses. If the tape doesn't stick, go wash your face and consider switching to a less oily diet.
Twist the paperclips into tall skinny S shapes. Bend the tip of one end of the S over on itself, so it won't dig into the inside of your lip. Attach two or three rubber bands together, then attach them to the un-bent-over ends of the paper clips. You'll have to experiment to find the right amount of tension on the paperclips. The goal is not to rip your lips off, just to pull them out a bit (Please be careful, because it is very embarrassing to have to explain to the folks at the clinic how and why you need stitches in the corner of your lips. And don't even think of suing me, because I don't have much money, and you would just end up in News of the Weird). Place the rubberbands behind your head, and carefully place the paperclip hooks in the corners of your mouth at the same time. Doing one side at a time puts too much pressure on your lip. Do them both at once.
Now, look in a mirror. If you see no real difference, please accept my most sincere sympathies and apologies. I know what it is like going through life looking a bit odd.
If you happen to have a digital camera or scanner, and email me a photo of your taped nose and stretched mouth, I'll post it right here for the world to see.
With a little green makeup and a green shirt pulled over your head, this would make a great Turtle Boy costume for Halloween, or your next court appearance.
Wal-Mart Security Recordings
Have you ever been walking through Wal-Mart and heard something like this over the intercom? "Security, code 10 to Electronics . . . Security, code 10 to Electronics." Wow. Someone must be getting busted for pocketing CDs, huh? Well, if you happen to hang out in Wal-Mart long enough (you're right, I need to get a life), you'll notice that the messages start to repeat, and they're never recited by the typical enunciation-challenged Wal-Mart employee. In fact, they're just recordings, played at random intervals to make the casual shoplifter THINK they're being watched by a crack team of security guards who are tracking their every move from a dark monitor-lined control room somewhere in the bowels of the store. In reality, there IS a dark control room with monitors displaying images from cameras throughout the store, but it would cost way too much to pay people to actually watch all of them. They figured out long ago that the average shoplifter's paranoia can be used against them by playing bogus recordings that give the impression that the security team is well-informed and coordinated, even though in most cases the security team is a guy named Jeb who drives his blinking golf cart out to the edge of the parking lot every 10 minutes to sneak a smoke.
On a related note, have you ever looked at the ceiling of a Wal-Mart and been impressed by the sheer number of security camera domes hanging from the ceiling? Most of them are empty. As long as you don't know which ones have cameras in them, they work just as well whether they have a camera in them or not. But an empty dome sure is cheaper that a fully-equipped one (which might also explain some of the employees I've encountered there).
I'm sure you're starting to think . . . hmmm . . . Karl sounds like he's planning a heist at the local supercenter. Uh-uh. That guy outside in the golf cart with the yellow flashing light scares the bejeebers out of me.
Vending Machines and Terminal Velocity
Not that this matters, but the contents of vending machines are roughly arranged by order of their terminal velocity (the rate at which they fall once weight and air resistance has been taken into effect). Things that are big and light (chips, Cheetos) will be at the top, even if they are more fragile, where things that are small or heavy (gum, Pop-Tarts) will be at the bottom. Things that are somewhere between the two extremes (Three Musketeers, Twinkies) will be in the middle. It's all about avoiding breakage when they hit the tray at the bottom. Chips will never fall fast enough to break when they hit, because they are light and displace quite a bit of air. Pop-tarts are heavy, and are thin enough that they don't displace much air.
While we're at it, Snickers, Pop-Tarts, and crunchy Cheetohs are, ounce-for-ounce, the cheapest foods (and I use the term loosely) in the candy machine. So if you're looking for plain calories per penny, those are good bets. Baby Ruth is a good alternative, but it's just a poor man's Snickers.
And did you know that soda machines are never really empty? When you put your money in and it tells you it's plumb out of Diet Coke, it's lying. If it really was out, then the poor fools that bought the first few sodas after the machine was refilled would get warm soda. What actually happens is that the machine keeps a few cold sodas to itself even after it tells you there aren't any left. That way, after the soda guy refills the machine, it can hand out those chilled reserves while the new arrivals are cooling their heels.
